Feed the dark,
Embrace the light

You running away or getting close?
It’s neither a circle nor a line,
there aint no walls.
But subjective with a point of view.
What they choose to see
is What you choose to do


‘How design process can include human values existing in the disdained and disregarded reality?’ - That’s my topic for thesis gateway.

“Boring and too serious” says the dark.

“It’s really important and big topic” says the light.

“It’s just not fun enough” adds the former.

“but it will be a great thing to work on. It will put me amongst the greats” argues the latter.

“I don’t want the noble greatness. It’s too sad and just not fun.” screams the former.

“I wanna do crazy shit, something super amazing, super awesome, something grand” explains the dark.

“Me too, but this is who I am and I just can’t run away from it” light finishes its part.

If your heart is not with it 100%, just don't do it.
“If you are going to try, go all the way or don’t even try”

- Charles bukowski

Scene 1:

Prof: “What do you wanna work on?”

Me: “Illegal Electronic-waste.”

Prof: “Do you feel passionate about it?”

Me: “I feel sad about it.”

Prof: “How will you feel passionate about it? What can you add to feel that?”

Me: “Music maybe.”

Verse 1:

I wanna get stabbed.
Attracted by the notion of pain
I kept my threshold in-check.
Doesn’t matter it’s Real or fake
the boundary’s faded
Somewhere in my mind it’s integrated.
The notions, the beliefs
The efforts, the deeds
To be or not to be,
to do or not to see.
Raised by the saints to be good and wise.
I injected my veins, fuck the wise
mixed the blood, rolled the dice.
Kept feeding it for the sake of all
devil scratches the walls, ruins it all.
Afraid to be biased, I wanna save your soul
Afraid to be fair, I crave for the bowl.
I injected the veins, mixed the blood
Calmed the devil. saved the walls.


The day, I chose to work on that topic. I felt like I did a mistake. But did I? I selected it. Out of the whole world of topics I chose that. I had to choose something. It was me who took that decision based on few influences of my own past and ingrained voice of my brother “Let’s set up an e-waste treatment business someday”. It was not me but it was me, just not completely with it. I was sublimally influenced and I don’t like that.

Long time ago, I decided to lead my life with intuitions. To believe in instincts more not calculative risk. The happiest and most amazing decisions of my life were those taken purely with the ecstasy and a strong belief in heart. No doubts. It has stuck with me for so long now that I have lost the ability to see forward and calculate the pros and cons. I believe in shaping the future with my thoughts.

I chose the same topic for the next spring term in mexico city thinking I’ll just try it out. Did I selected it because I didn't have anything else to work on? or maybe I did not think about it completely or maybe the lack of knowledge is the reason or was I actually into it? I made peace with myself to just go with it but somewhere in a small corner of my heart, I knew the ecstasy was missing. Obsession was missing.

Scene 2:

Luis: “Bro, Wear dirty clothes and worker shoes”

Me: “Okay”

Luis: “And act very normal to the space”

Me: “Okay”

Luis: “Just follow me and don't talk to people”

Me: “Okay”

We got on the bus on our way to colonia renovacion. The main site for my mexico city research. The news, organisations and other sources said it’s a very dangerous area. Do not go there alone.

The moment I heard the word “dangerous” I was sold. I saw videos of shooting and kidnapping in colonia renovacion but somehow I was fine with it, actually a little excited. Now, I had to go. I had to see it with my own eyes. I found my way in with Luis. He showed me around. My mind was finding ways to how to enter the place and won’t get in trouble. How to blend in so good that no one notices. Ecstasy was back for a moment.

Luis: “On your left is the colony”

We got off the bus. Walked towards an open market. Strolled through it and went inside the colony, walked on the streets with little pace, observing the recycling workshop and the environment. I felt very present in that moment. Nothing was escaping my site. The senses and instincts were on point. Loved it.

Luis: “Be more natural my friend, Walk fast.

Me: “Okay”

Luis: “Now we’ll go to my friend’s house. Let me do the talking”

Verse 2:

The part of me that didn’t got killed.
I tried to but it never will.
It’s the blood, the air, the wind,
Clothes can change, what about skin?
Once the ink gets dropped
The white ain’t the same
Embrace that, ain’t a shame.
What you say “life ain’t a game”
it’s not worth the blame.
The part of me that didn’t got killed
I never wanted to and I never will.
Too young to die, I came to fly
Still a mediocre, hate to cry
Decisions, Decisions, fucking brain fried.
What you looking at, is ain’t the sky.
Feed the dark, embrace the light.


I was following him, pretending to be uninteresting. I don’t know if it was acting or me being safe. I found myself inside a tiny but open roof home of the union leader of pepenadores. Amongst four spanish speaking people and a big dog. I was behind luis and was very aware that one wrong move, shit can hit the fan. I was being careful. Somewhere, I believed nothing is gonna happen. I was avoiding eye contact, I didn't know spanish, couldn’t made out much of what they were saying and was just looking around like someone who doesn’t care but actually observing every small detail. Like trying to draw a live image In my mind using my eyes as the tool to remember it later. Is that what they can being immersive? I don't know, I was completely alive. Highly Conscious. I think I am a natural at this shit. I came out of there like it was a piece of cake.

My threshold was checked again.

Somewhere in my heart, I was loving this. It was feeding my darkness, the craziness. There is a part of me which is inclined to choose non-safe line of direction, not because it sounds cool but in order to see if I can handle it. The other part of mine tries to keep me on balance. It kind of holds my dark side on the leash, which sometimes comes out as self descriptive. that influence my decisions a lot. It keeps me on the edge.

Scene 3

Crowd: “Hahahaha. What will she do with chocolate?”

Me: “Here, I only have this for you now.”

She was sitting in the middle of the parking space surrounded by a lot of single story shops like an open shopping complex. In her old age, Wearing old torn clothes, cupping her hand and asking for money. I saw her from afar. Riding my bicycle, I passed her and went to a shop nearby, bought a milk pack and 1 chocolate. I came back, got on my bike, saw her for a moment and left. After a while I couldn’t go any further. I had to stop. I stopped paddling and fought with my myself for a while, took a U-turn and went to her. I didn’t have any more money so i gave her my chocolate.

The moment i gave her my chocolate, the people watching from their shops cracked up. They laughed. I didn’t get it. For me, It felt peaceful because I followed my deeper urge to give her something of mine, to share, but also in a way, a victory to  detach my self from it’s worth. I fought over the attachment of that chocolate which I really wanted to eat. A. 13 year old kid who is willing to donate the things he loved. I was like that. It’s easy to give away things you don’t need but really hard to let go of something you really like. That's the real test. Ultimate vulnerability.

{Mic Dropped}